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Are you in a ‘situationship’?

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A situationship is a term for a non-committed relationship popularised from a song by Fabulous. It involves one emotionally invested person hoping that the situation will turn into an official relationship and the other just enjoying the ride. It looks like a relationship, especially to a woman, but it is an arrangement of mere convenience to a man. It is the act of ‘chilling’, or ‘hanging’ out with someone with no strings attached.

Sometimes, a situationship is an ideal set-up that both parties willingly and knowingly enter into. Other times, someone finds themselves in it because they want to be in a relationship so badly that they will ignore the reality of the situation (pun intended). In the case of both parties being on the same page, one or both of them are lying to themselves about how in-control of their emotions they are. Whether it is a situationship of your own making or one you find yourself in, one thing underscores them all: once the two of you are no longer on the same page, the magic fades and all that is left is confusion. 

At first, everything is peachy keen. The hook ups are fun; no emotions but as time goes on, one person will begin to grow feelings for the other. Sadly, the one who becomes attached is often times, the girl. Women have always seen sex as being a more intimate and special experience than men do. When the situationship has outlived its usefulness, someone is bound to get hurt. Sure there are benefits but, alas, they are only short-term. Yes. Relationships are not easy. They take countless dedication, effort and a whole lot of commitment, but what is wrong with that? Nothing worth having comes easy. Your unwillingness to work on a relationship could be preventing you from what could be the best thing in your life. Though sometimes situationships can turn into something else and feelings become evident in both parties but because of the baggage that one may carry along with them, it prevents one or both parties from going to the next level, a relationship.  And although you enjoy talking to and spending time with them, some things are just not meant to be.

 

To someone coming from a lonely place, a situationship may not seem so bad. It meets your immediate need for sex and companionship but what many women are oblivious to is the fact that while you carry on a meaningless arrangement with a gap-filler, you may lose out on a real deal because to a third party, you appear as if you are in a relationship

Here are a few clues to know if you are in a situationship.

You don’t have a title: This is very simple, if you have asked the question, ‘What are we’ or ‘what am I to you’, and the response is, ‘We are just chilling’. You, my dear, are in a situationship. This question will usually be asked after a couple of dates or booty calls and you are starting to feel all warm and fuzzy and wondering if ‘this could be it’, only to be slapped with ‘we are just chilling’. 

When you start wondering about your position in his life, when you start asking him where your relationship is headed, pay attention. Ambiguity regarding your status is the most basic sign that you are in a situationship. Even when his actions say otherwise, when a man says he isn’t ready, listen.

Most of your conversations are via text: If you rarely hear his voice if he is not with you or you have entire conversations lasting more than 30 minutes when it could have been said over the phone in less than five, you are in a situationship. If he asks you out or asks can he come over, via text, be alert and honestly, those are also actions of a man who is either married, living with someone or has another situationship going on.  Beware!

They don’t invite you to hang out with their friends: Sure, he has been around your friends and family but you haven’t been around his. Although he tells you about them, you have never been invited to social gatherings, family parties or celebrations.  If you have met his friends or family, the introduction has probably something like this, “This is my friend” or “This is my homegirl,” after you have been hanging out and let’s be real, sleeping together for months.

You are rarely seen with him in public: You guys hang out inside.  You rarely go out together in public and may only do so if you force the issue. If you can relate with one, two or all of these scenarios, you, my friend are in a situationship.  

Now, please understand that if you are hoping, dreaming and praying that one day your situationship will turn into a relationship, the odds of that happening may be nill. If he has said that this is the type of situation that he wants and that he doesn’t want anything serious, believe it.  Just because you have started having feelings for him doesn’t change things and the sooner you recognize things for what they really are, the sooner you can walk away with your heart and dignity intact.

If you want to be by yourself, do so for real, don’t play house and then get mad because the guy reminded you it was all ‘play’. You can’t force a relationship on a man and you can’t sneak it in either. Don’t ever think you are going to be upgraded all you will ever hear is ‘Bae, let’s take it slowly, you know I’m focused on making money. Bae, give me a month.  You will wait… wait some more. Lies help you sleep, but eventually you have to wake up, and when you do, you will be back to waiting for a man that doesn’t want you. It doesn’t take long for a person to make an official commitment when they are really into someone, so all the excuses are just ways to buy your time and attention, while you are just wasting your own time. 

Situationships are nothing but one way streets, one person gets their heart in it while the other is just enjoying the convenient company and affection. This affair rarely becomes anything more, as all the dynamics of a real loving relationship are too out of whack to make the outcome successful. When something is real, you will know. You won’t have to doubt or question it because that person will make sure you know (through words and actions) that they are just as serious about you as you are about them.

The only way you can avoid this sticky situation is to be honest with yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. If you know you want a full-fledged relationship with someone, pursue one and don’t settle for less. Know your worth and act accordingly.

The worst form of this ‘relationship’ is ‘the forced official situationship’. That is when a girl finally puts her foot down and demands a relationship. She has had enough and confronts the guy saying she wants to be serious. To her surprise, he says, ‘okay’. This is when men show their ‘Supervillain IQ’, a week after this talk, nothing changes. Maybe you get to go to a movie and that is all. Calling him your boyfriend will not make him behave like one. After a month of this charade, you are even more stressed because now you have a boyfriend who doesn’t care. 

Men don’t like being forced into a relationship. Real relationships don’t start with an ultimatum. A man chooses the woman he wants to be with on his own because he can’t imagine not having someone like that as his partner. When you force a situationship guy to become your boyfriend, you don’t change his way of treating you. He still sees you as a ‘placeholder’ and will continue to treat you like that because he doesn’t respect you enough to do the things boyfriends typically do.

If you are stressing over a man that is not yours, don’t ask, ‘How can I get him to upgrade me’, ask, ‘When did I lose my self-respect’? You allowed yourself to be devalued by agreeing to be his ‘whatever’ girl. It is not about upgrading the situationship, it is about comporting yourself so you will never be the type of woman that thinks having half a boyfriend is acceptable. Know where you stand and define your relationship. If a man says he isn’t ready don’t settle for less than you want. No matter how good he is to you, remember that if there is no commitment then there is no real relationship.

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